Women & Money: The Shit We Don't Talk About!
Women & Money: The Shit We Don't Talk About!
Financial Abuse Is Domestic Violence with Leah Davis
Did you know that financial abuse is one of the biggest reasons people stay trapped in harmful relationships? It doesn’t leave bruises, but it can be just as devastating. It’s about control, manipulation, and keeping someone powerless. So what does it actually look like, and how do you break free?
On this episode of Women and Money: The Shit We Don’t Talk About, we are thrilled to welcome Leah Davis, the founder of Leah Davis Coaching. Leah is a wealth and wellness coach dedicated to serving women of color, especially those who have experienced domestic violence and discrimination. With a trauma-informed approach, Leah helps women understand financial abuse, heal from financial trauma, and rebuild from scratch.
Leah shares her deeply personal journey in this episode. After leaving an abusive relationship thinking she was finally free, she then found herself up against legal battles, financial sabotage, and the challenges of fighting for custody in courtrooms. She brings the REAL, raw truth about what happens when financial abuse doesn’t stop after you leave, and how to take back control.
Leah’s story is powerful, inspiring, and full of real-life strategies for any woman navigating financial abuse or rebuilding after trauma. She also shares why financial education is critical for women of color, what most women get wrong about money, and the habits that can help you create true financial freedom.
If you or someone you know might be dealing with financial abuse, tune in, get the support you need, and start taking your power back today.
Got a unique financial story to share? Whether it’s about crushing debt, building wealth, an unexpected windfall, or just a wild money moment, we want to hear it! Or are you a professional who helps women with money? If you’re a financial coach, attorney, CPA, or work in any area that empowers women financially, we’d love to hear from you too! Your story could inspire our community of women. Fill out our intake form here!
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Intro:
Barb: [00:00:00] Have you ever thought, Maggie, about financial abuse? Just those words scare me, but it happens all the time.
Maggie: We've talked about how money is power, but, the knowledge about money is power, but if you give it over to somebody else.
Barb: Yeah. One sign is, not being able to have any say about the money in your household or maybe not being able to earn any money. Or maybe being pressured at any point in time around like opening a credit card or something like that. And what I think scares me about it is it's very covert, it happens in kind of ways that you don't know if it's really happening,
It's happening.
Right?
Maggie: And I think a lot of times there's some different fine lines around it. It's not always abuse if it looks like this. Because sometimes if you have conversations about the way your household is working, You find that equal because you have your own different trade offs, but don't know if people are having those conversations, so [00:01:00] it's not always clear and you don't always know what's happening or it's like I'm just being a good partner or I'm trying to support them in a rough time versus no, this is above and beyond that
Barb: Yeah. It was so interesting today to talk to Leah about financial abuse and more interesting that it wasn't only in into her adult years that she realized that her own mother suffered from financial abuse. So of course she didn't, she was immersed in it growing up as a child in that household. But she didn't really, she wasn't able to see what was happening until she was an adult and doing some of her own kind of assessment of her own relationships and some ahas about where it was stemming from, because that's what her mother was also experiencing as well in a different way.
But nonetheless, it was financial abuse. I thought that was really interesting.
Maggie: And it was almost like it wasn't even that she was just digging into her own personal stuff, but learning more about violence and [00:02:00] domestic violence and abusive relationships, really honing in on these areas, to help clients and discovered that it applies to her. And I think we see that so often in financial abuse is people don't know what's happening to them until like post or until they're, deep in it.
And then it's, much harder to stop it, to end it, to get out of there. It's scary, but she has, I think, a very impactful story and, a good reminder that no one's alone in this fight and we're all here to really support each other and want the best for each other and find a way that, we can all succeed.
So it's heavy, but I think it's inspirational,
Barb: It really is inspirational. Her story is very powerful. Her story is of tenacity. It's a keep going one foot in front of the other, no matter what. And really the best message was you need to take care of yourself first. You can't be strong for some of these situations you may not make it through. So you really need to be strong in your own sense of self.
So super interesting.
Maggie: [00:03:00] emotionally, financially, mentally in every area, it's a well rounded balance.
Barb: She's super cool and she's doing amazing things. And we loved having Leah Davis on our podcast. So let's get into it.
Barb: [00:00:00] Have you ever thought, Maggie, about financial abuse? Just those words scare me, but it happens all the time.
Maggie: We've talked about how money is power, but, the knowledge about money is power, but if you give it over to somebody else.
Barb: Yeah. one sign is, not being able to have any say about the money in your household or maybe not being able to earn any money. Or maybe being pressured at any point in time around like opening a credit card or something like that. And what I think scares me about it is it's very covert, it happens in kind of ways that you don't know if it's really happening,
It's happening.
Right?
Maggie: And I think a lot of times there's some different fine lines around it. It's not always abuse if it looks like this. Because sometimes if you have conversations about the way your household is working, You find that equal because you have your own different trade offs, but don't know if people are having those conversations, so [00:01:00] it's not always clear and you don't always know what's happening or it's like I'm just being a good partner or I'm trying to support them in a rough time versus no, this is above and beyond that
Barb: Yeah. It was so interesting today to talk to Leah about financial abuse and more interesting that it wasn't only in into her adult years that she realized that her own mother suffered from financial abuse. So of course she didn't, she was immersed in it growing up as a child in that household. But she didn't really, she wasn't able to see what was happening until she was an adult and doing some of her own kind of assessment of her own relationships and some ahas about where it was stemming from, because that's what her mother was also experiencing as well in a different way.
But nonetheless, it was financial abuse. I thought that was really interesting.
Maggie: And it was almost like it wasn't even that she was just digging into her own personal stuff, but learning more about violence and [00:02:00] domestic violence and abusive relationships, really honing in on these areas, to help clients and discovered that it applies to her. And I think we see that so often in financial abuse is people don't know what's happening to them until like post or until they're, deep in it.
And then it's, much harder to stop it, to end it, to get out of there. It's scary, but she has, I think, a very impactful story and, a good reminder that no one's alone in this fight and we're all here to really support each other and want the best for each other and find a way that, we can all succeed.
So it's heavy, but I think it's inspirational,
Barb: It really is inspirational. Her story is very powerful. Her story is of tenacity. It's a keep going one foot in front of the other, no matter what. And really the best message was you need to take care of yourself first. You can't be strong for some of these situations you may not make it through. So you really need to be strong in your own sense of self.
So super interesting.
Maggie: [00:03:00] emotionally, financially, mentally in every area, it's a well rounded balance.
Barb: She's super cool and she's doing amazing things. And we loved having Leah Davis on our podcast. So let's get into it.
Maggie: Leah, we are so excited to have you on our episode today of women and money, the shit we don't talk about. So before we dive into our conversation, I'd love to have you introduce yourself to the audience, share a bit about who you are and what you do just to get started.
Leah: I am so grateful to be here. Thank you for having me. So I'm the founder of Leah Davis coaching. I have a coaching practice where I focus on the needs specifically for women of color. I'm a wealth and wellness coach, which basically means I'm a certified financial coach. I have a background in financial services prior to coaching.
I was a financial advisor and my goal is to provide as much education for women. who have experienced any sort of domestic violence, intimate partner violence, and possibly anything going on in the work where they may be facing discrimination. And so with that, [00:04:00] there are financial goals. I support my clients with reaching them as well as addressing some of the internal difficult emotions that can come up when managing money.
I'm a mother of two. My oldest is a U.S Marine veteran and my daughter is soon to be 15 years old, born and raised in the Bay Area, and I'm half black, I'm half Mexican. I got the best of both worlds, and I'm a CrossFit athlete. I've been doing it for about 11 years now.
Maggie: Wow.
Barb: Maggie, right up your alley, CrossFit.
Are you doing like
Maggie: handstand pushups?
Leah: I don't like them. I avoid them. I have really long arms, but I'll try. I tend to avoid those ones. It's not big on it. I guess you do.
Maggie: I remember doing those. They were a fun part of what I like to do, but I like something different like that. I did some CrossFit, so that's always a lot of fun. It gets you out of your head for sure. And just into your workout.
Leah: Yes, it's a big part of my healing journey for sure.
Maggie: It's interesting always how those go together. And a lot of like my trainer now talks about a lot of that neuro stuff and how it all comes together. So it's fun to see how it's more than just helping your mental health or your [00:05:00] physical health, but really reprogramming who you are. But today I want to get into you and your coaching that you do. And I know you do some trauma informed approach to coaching. And so can you explain to our audience, what this means and why it's important for women who've been through trauma?
Leah: It is super important for there to be a trauma informed approach, especially for the women that are my clients. Most women who have grown up in the US who identify as a woman of color may have experienced some sort of violence towards them, whether it's been in the home our outside of the home or maybe physical violence it could be like I mentioned earlier facing discrimination and it's so important in my own experience and meeting with so many women is that we've blocked our physical responses to situations or things that were being activated.
And money is a big activator, especially if a woman has experienced any sort of financial instability, either as a [00:06:00] child or in adult life, or it doesn't even have to be financial stability. It's just, money is a topic that has so much behind it that can cause a lot of angst. And so, What I do with my clients, why I take this approach is because as we're talking about their financial situation or their goals that they want to accomplish, it's important for me and for my clients to understand where it's showing up in their body. Because when we come from a place of awareness and then when we can learn to soothe ourselves in those moments, we can make more sound financial decisions and trust the choices that we're making with our money.
Barb: Money is triggering, so emotional. Has so many other impacts that's been created from this really life tool that we all need to use every single day. Why are you going this direction around trauma informed? How did you get to go down this road?
Leah: Well, based on my own lived experience first and foremost, but I didn't exactly think I would be here. It
just [00:07:00] all came together as the universe works out. So for me, it was, when I started learning about financial coaching around the same time, I was being certified as a domestic violence advocate. And I was also wanting to start my own business serving women of color, but I didn't realize I had so many things behind accomplishing a goal of starting a business that was causing me a lot of anxiety and fear. When I was considering becoming a financial coach, my mentor who has the coaching program that I got certified in she introduced me to an individual going through the program and said, Hey, they need their coaching hours.
Would you like to get some free coaching? And I thought, I'll check out this coaching thing. Sure. I'd already been an advisor and I thought, let me check this out. Cause she keeps telling me I'd make a great coach.
And it was during that process. And along the same time, as I was learning about intimate partner violence and childhood domestic violence at the nonprofit where I was getting certified, I was recognizing how I was like, wow, I'm experiencing, I'm frozen [00:08:00] here. And I would freeze in those conversations with the coach and talking about starting my business. I would have so much shame and I would shut down and talking about my financial situation that happened once I had ended a harmful relationship a few years prior. And it was during that time and getting that support from the coach and then just everything coming together for me, I realized like, this is what we need because as a financial advisor, I did do the best I could to serve women of color, but I wasn't given enough support as it was at the firm where I was at for that market, even women in general at that time. And I just noticed that the women that I would meet with like they would disappear or some women did end up crying in my office and talking about their money and I didn't quite know what to do with it, but I realized, wait a minute, because there's such high numbers of individuals who have experienced domestic violence or sexual assault, right?
That I realized that I'm not the only one. And so that's where this came together for me when I realized like the light bulb went off and thought there's a [00:09:00] need and I'm going to go for it.
Maggie: I think it's so interesting how you had this such aha moment working with your coach and so many of us get told to work with these coaches or these great people, but we seem that we don't need it or we don't want it or those different things. So what would tips or how would you convince your former self to go to almost a coach earlier or take that advice? Cause so many women, I feel like don't do that. Either they don't want to put in the time or the money, or sometimes it's afraid of what might come up. I think too.
Leah: Yes, I think looking back, and so I love that question, I haven't been asked that question before, but and considering it, I think if somebody had just, or if I had even thought about, is there something that I'm wanting to do, but I'm not really doing it, that's it.
That's a simple, people go and hire personal trainers, right?
Because they want to have that support. There's something they want to change in their life. And so at some point, there's a contemplation stage and then there's a whole cycle of, when somebody actually does take action and eventually they'll do it. It's [00:10:00] the same thing with everything in life, business, relationships, money.
There's coaches for everything. So if there's something. If I to ask myself that question and I knew I would go for it, but also there. I didn't know anything about this type of work back then. It's getting more noticed now coaches are, there's a lot of doubt and we're starting to get some recognition for the great work that we do and the industry is growing like crazy. So over time, I think people will start to lean on coaches more and more. But initially if I had asked myself that I probably would have been more open to the possibility of working with a coach. And my mentor came in right at the, Best time in my life. That was divine intervention right there.
If she hadn't come into my life, I may not be where I'm at today.
Barb: It is interesting how the universe sends us the right people at the right time, right? And it all works out.
Leah: Absolutely. All the time.
Barb: Yeah. Can we touch on the subject of financial abuse? Oftentimes people think abuse is more domestic abuse, but financial [00:11:00] can somewhat be Covert, if you're inside of it, but people looking from the outside can clearly see it.
Can we talk a little bit about financial abuse? How that happens? How you can realize if it might be happening to you? What are some of the things to be aware of?
Leah: Yes. Yes. I'm thinking of I'll give some examples so that people can understand what I've seen within my family and also with clients. But I guess I want to start off by saying that, financial abuse can be insidious like any abuse and it, that's not like it just happens, right out the gate.
Maybe it could, but most of the time it's over time. And what I found with the women that I've coached and even within my family and even myself. I've seen that there's this like sense of wanting to take care of somebody else and typically those who the higher numbers my experience I have experienced financial abuse. It's because they've experienced some sort of physical abuse or something growing up and their childhood And it's just [00:12:00] another form of it. So you know, it could be somebody not being allowed to go to work. It could be somebody saying you can't get a job making this much money. It could be your partner not contributing to the household and you're responsible for paying all the expenses. It could be a partner or someone in your life that's refusing to get a job or you're working and they're spending all the money. Or if you find yourself, being convinced to open up a credit card and if there's like that hesitation, but you're feeling obligated to do it because of whatever they're saying to you and you do it there's just so many different ways that it can occur. And I just think it's something. What I found, and it's interesting because I was just going over a lot of the past three years of a lot of notes for my clients and looking for some themes and patterns. And what I was looking at this yesterday, it's a big project that I have. And the women that were experiencing the financial abuse, predominantly a lot of them were saying like, I just have a hard time saying no,
I'm a yes person. [00:13:00] If I don't say yes, I'm worried they're not going to like me. I don't want to cause a ruffle or I feel obligated. I tend to take care of everyone. That's what I've seen within my practice. And it shows up in a lot of different ways. And again, it can be pretty sneaky. And it's really difficult to to just notice it. People on the outside can see it, right? So I have a family member who's 65 years old Married for, oh gosh, they got married in 1997.
I don't do the math. Long time. Okay, my son's 27, 28, something like that. Okay, and she retired and he throughout their whole relationship hardly ever worked. They bought a house together as his, her husband. And then literally about a month ago, she depleted her retirement account. She's on disability. And she said, Hey, can you start helping out and maybe start using retirement? He got up and left her, just left.
Maggie: Wow.
Leah: And when I heard this, I'm like, Oh my gosh. And I knew all along, there's nothing I could really do with this because she's also, this [00:14:00] individual is within a religious environment that is oppressive towards women.
So there's that component too. And she comes from a very submissive role and she's completely blindsided. So now she's left with a mortgage. She's retired, retirement is depleted, husband left her, and just now having to try to figure out what to do. So that's an example that I've just recently within our family and she has always been somebody in the family to easily give her money to family members to help them. And she
didn't really have it.
Barb: we see this a lot, right? Women are just Trying to take care of everybody else besides themselves, which is shameful, because we always tell women in purse strings, you come first, you're going to age alone, you're going to have health concerns, you're going to have to take care of yourself in your elder years.
And you're going to need people to help you. You're going to need money at that time. So you really need to make sure you're getting any income and inheritance and you're saving and investing it for yourself and for your own financial [00:15:00] future. But we see that a lot. We hear these stories that are just so sad where women are trying to do the best thing for their families, their communities and all of that.
And they're just totally being taken advantage of.
Leah: Yeah,
Maggie: And I appreciate you bringing in that religion aspect as well. It's because we have to take these messages from the different things in our environment. And there are many, religions that teach women to be submissive, to give over that money, that, it's not ladylike, whatever it is.
Those messages are really played out. And so it is hard to clear those blinders and see past that of, no, I need to do what's best for me. This isn't aligning. All those different things and it's hard that I saw this post the other day where it's I'll follow you spiritually for my religion, but I'm not going to follow you for my financial advice.
And so sometimes when looking at, what we're following, what parts are we taking and what parts can we leave behind as well? Because you can have that spiritual side without following their financial practices.
Barb: Yeah,
Leah: true.
Barb: that's true. But, what are some red flags [00:16:00] that women should be aware of? Because I think these things hinder us from being our own financially fearless self.
Leah: I think one of the biggest things would be if you notice that you're putting your head in the sand, avoidance, looking the other way, not wanting to deal with it. It's too uncomfortable. That's a red flag right there, right? Because that means when there is harm being done, that the tendency to look the other way or act like everything is okay is there. That though takes awareness. I was that person for the longest time. I would look the other way, but I was also trained from very young age to put the mask on and be perfect and don't say anything and look the other way and act like everything is okay. So right out the gate, if you grew up or experience any of that. The red flag is there just as an individual that you could find yourself in these type of situations. So I always look, want to look at ourselves first, versus outside.
Because of things can [00:17:00] happen to us. Let's say, you're with somebody and they convince you, like I said earlier, to open up a credit card with them and you do it, and you don't have any information about their financial situation.
They're very guarded about it. They don't
want to share it with you, but you got to do this for me because I really need it. Or if they're constantly coming to you because they need help, and there's a pressure. Anytime someone is pressuring you for
your money, That's a huge red flag. It's interesting.
I'm thinking about this now. There was this Along my journey of healing. I of course along the way was in some relationships with guys that were not the greatest But I had to go through them to get to the beautiful one that I'm in now. So one of these individuals I was with at one point we've been together.
We're a couple flight Maybe I don't know seven or eight months And I knew he was looking for work and stuff. And one day he looked at me and he just flat out asked me like, so do you have $4,000 I could borrow? And
I remember looking at him and I said, no, but it didn't occur to me to run. And I stayed with the guy and then he ended up and didn't work out. He was a scumbag and i'm so [00:18:00] glad it didn't work out. It's funny. I was thinking about that the other day but things like that
someone just asking you like who does that? i'm a single parent. He knew that and he's and you're gonna what? Just ask. So the pressure, the asking but again, just always start from within just look and consider what has been my relationship with money? What examples around me have the women been like
In my community, do we come from that place where we have to provide or our voices not matter. And they don't really stand up for themselves.
And the other thing too is. This not having enough information, their
Barb: Mm hmm.
Leah: Again, it's just having the education and awareness of being able to make informed financial decisions, I think is something that would be really helpful for somebody along the ways.
And cause when we have the ability to have that education information and we have that knowledge and awareness that, Like you're talking about, how we're going to live longer and we got to take care of ourselves when we have more of that information and we can definitely be able to spot things and be like, Oh, this, that's going to harm me. Or what this person is saying or do is [00:19:00] harmful. The situation is harmful. This isn't going to be for me. I got to go.
Barb: Yeah. Yeah, we do really have to unpack Are the way we were raised and the models that we had good, bad or indifferent, and how it impact our own feelings about money. We talk about money mindset all the time. We talk about, how do we be financially conscious of the actions that we're taking around our money?
And it really takes not just going through life and kind of a rote process, but really. taking pause to say, wait a minute, is this really what I want to do? Is this what I should be doing? Is this aligned with my values? Is this fair? Is this true? Whatever it might be to do some kind of assessment about yourself, your beliefs, your values, your money, things like that, because only then can we really make
good decisions about what we do want. And that's hard to do because we just go through life like we think things are normal because that was normal for us in our upbringing.
Leah: Yes. I'm so glad you said that about taking a moment to assess your [00:20:00] values because that provides the ability to pause. So what I've found too a lot of women that I've coached over the years, the common theme again, like I do my project on all my clients is they'll say I spend impulsively. Or I buy something when I'm bored. There's not the ability to pause. So they get uncomfortable activated. So they do something to fill that void really quick. So the more that we can pause before making decisions on if this is a behavior or something that somebody identifies with, when we're able to learn to pause, then that creates that level of consciousness and awareness.
If you're in a relationship or to notice the red flag versus just moving forward with it right away, you have the ability. To pause, consider, and make a decision versus doing it
On autopilot, like you said.
Barb: Is it true that your your mother also experienced financial abuse? So this is something you saw in your upbringing. Did you realize it at the time or is this in when you reflected back on it?
Leah: I did not realize it at the time. I had
no [00:21:00] idea. It wasn't until I learned about hearing financial abuse, what is that?
And then recognizing that I had experienced it and then going, wait a minute, My mom did because my father, he would not allow her to work at all. His job was sometimes seasonal.
He worked in construction, made great money as a heavy equipment operator. But when it's raining, he wasn't working. And there was a family of three kids and my mom and she could have easily gotten a job,
but he would not allow her to work. And looking back, I'm like, wow, my mom just she, I used to think she was really angry, but looking at it now, she was just miserable. And it wasn't until. So she started working, she finally had enough. I was about 14 years old and she got her first job working at a library as a clerk. And then she kept working and then she started working for the county. And then just like the majority of women, once the financial independence comes, when they're able to leave the relationship and that's what she did. So yeah, later on it was when I [00:22:00] reflected on that and I was just seeing the patterns within my family, with the women. And like I mentioned, another family member giving her money. I come from a culture and this is the Hispanic side where the men are Kings and the
women just take care of the men. And so even to their own harm and still, and then add on the religious component, I was raised at Jehovah witness was very oppressive towards women. And so he didn't have a voice and you just, the man was the head of the house, you do whatever he said. So that was another part of it as well.
And
Barb: Wow.
Leah: I know I tell them like I've experienced a lot, so
Barb: Yeah.
Leah: I am no longer, I left that religion when I was 16. Let's just say I knew at a young age, I did not want to be involved. And I got out. I'm somebody that just takes a stand. I won't be quiet or silent, which is interesting.
Cause I was still in relationships where I was, but my point is I got out of it. Yeah. I didn't recognize it that's what was going on for her and that's affected her. She started off
later in life and starting to work to build a retirement and to be able to do that for herself.
And yeah, and I experienced it myself and then just looking at how, in [00:23:00] the ways that I experienced it and leaving. My youngest father, that was almost seven and a half years of ongoing emotional, sometimes physical. And there was financial abuse at the end. So there wasn't financial abuse during the relationship.
It was after
It, then the financial abuse came in. So that's another thing to be aware of. Somebody may be in a relationship where they're experiencing harm towards them, emotional, some physical. Our, abuse towards them, the name calling, or I feel like you're walking on eggshells.
And there may not be the financial abuse, but a harm doer, when the individual leaves, they will try to most of the time, try to find ways to perpetuate the abuse. And it can be financially. And so for him,
he did, he tried to get me fired from my job as a financial advisor. And then he. Took a car. I didn't even realize it at this point after I left him that I forgot it was under his name Point learned that next
time before leaving. Let's change that. Let's change the title that car So I gave the car back and that's how I was getting to work So I was crippled and then I you know, so yeah that it can happen after [00:24:00] not even during the relationship. It's my point
Maggie: I think your mom's story is so interesting because from the outside it could look like, Oh, she's just a stay at home mom raising three kids. She doesn't I don't know, doesn't mind it. This is what we agreed on. This is how we do things. But from her point of view and from you knowing inside the house, she wanted to go out and work and get that freedom.
And you can see exactly why she was trapped there is because otherwise she would leave if she could, and when she got that opportunity, she did. We started of you can usually see it on the outside, but you can't always because you don't know what conversations were being had or what we what they agreed to because many people that would just look like a stay at home mom with three kids, right? She's putting the food on the table. He's making the money. That's just the way it works. So it's interesting just to When you take a step back, it's not always as it looks in anyone's situation. But I would like to dive in a little deeper of you, escaping an abusive relationship and really rebuilding from scratch.
That's gotta be really tough. What were some of those toughest [00:25:00] challenges and how did you push through them? How can some of our listeners, push through those same things?
Leah: It was really tough. It's interesting. I forgot who I was listening to recently. She was sharing her story and I identified with her so much because she left her harm doer and she thought I'm free and it, things got worse. And that's a common thing as well. We may leave the situation and be like, and it is, I had this like high, like I'm free. but I didn't realize that I was then going to be subjected to all of his anger that I had left and he could no longer control me. And so in leaving that situation, again, like I said, he went after my job. So then I was working at a financial firm and he did a false complaint and I had to go to this whole investigation with compliance. And I'm the only woman of color in the office. And yeah, it was really difficult. And of course it was unfounded. I didn't do anything wrong. I knew he was just coming after me.
But that put a ding on me and added that extra stress for me
as it is. And I was on a, in a commission only type [00:26:00] position. So there's that, right? Then the hardship that I had after that was that he filed for full physical and legal custody of our child. So then I'm finding myself in court. And then, like I said, he took my car.
So I had to go buy a new car. And then it was so much turmoil for me. that I didn't realize I was going to be experiencing. I thought it was just going to be like smooth sailing. I'm,
out, see you later, man. We can make some arrangements, you have our child back and forth and we'll be good. But it didn't dawn on me like, wait a minute, this has been a really difficult, harmful individual that I've been dealing with for years. So he's going to continue that. So it was really difficult to be going through that and to then I just wasn't really able to function very well. So I ended up not doing well.
I wasn't closing as much business as an advisor. And so I fell behind on my bills. And it was, then I'm in court as the only person of color. And everybody there is not a person of color, between the judges, the lawyers, and my child's father was a white male in law enforcement as well. So I was going up against that. [00:27:00] And so just the amount of stress having to pay for lawyers. And I was in litigation for almost 10 years before, I know, right?
So it was almost 10 years that ended in 2021 where I got complete, physical custody of her child. And then in 2023, I got sole legal custody. So I withstood.
Because the hardest thing for me and my experience was he was doing everything possible to erase me from our child's life. And he knew that he had the advantage being a white male in law enforcement in this system. And I know a lot more about the sexism, classism racism that I experienced in that situation.
I was. So again, there's a whole broader part of things. So if somebody is, I don't want to say this to scare anybody, but it might. My point is, If you're in a situation, you want to get out and there's children involved or if you're married and you're with somebody who is a harm doer, you got to expect that they're not going to let you go easily.
And you got to expect that they're going to create some sort of harm towards you. [00:28:00] And they can use the court system to perpetuate that abuse. It can, and that continued with the financial side, for me hiring the lawyers and, So that's part of it as well. So the more support that we have along the way in this awareness and to know that it's a marathon, right?
And we can wear them out by taking a stand and not going away the way that they may want us to, or harm us. And the best way to do that is to take. Supreme care of yourself and to move slow and steadily. And, I was just talking about this recently. I was dropped down to 22 percent custody of her child at one point.
There were times and he wouldn't follow the order either. That's the other thing too, the they're above the law. There's a harm to it, right? I, when I didn't have my child and I'm taking a stand, what I decided during those times was, I'm going to pour into myself. So that's when I started, I discovered CrossFit and lifting.
I really got into prayer and meditation. I surrounded [00:29:00] myself with strong women who had been through some things that were living a life that I wanted. And I just took that time and poured into myself so that every time I did, When my child was around me, I was grounded, calm and peaceful. When I walked into that courtroom, I learned over time where I was not, and I realized I'm not scared of this guy.
You can't take, you can't take that piece when you get it and you know how to cope with your emotions and you know that no matter what, everything's going to be okay. This is. part of the process right here that I have to go through this.
And that's how it worked out for me. Everybody's story is a little bit different. But yeah, it was pretty difficult for a really long time.
Maggie: The
Barb: Whew.
Maggie: and you need to have that. I'm not saying, you can't, you need to, but the strength that to overcome that is so impressive and I give you kudos for doing that, but also to be able to Center yourself as well and really take that time so you could be the best mom when you had that time and the best person in the courtroom to earn that, to [00:30:00] earn or get fight back for what you wanted. It's such an impressive story just to hear how you've overcome it and I know there's listeners who are going through something similar. And I'm just glad there's someone to say, you're not alone and we are here as a team to back you and support you in whatever way that looks like.
It's
Leah: Yes.
Barb: And I think that your passion for helping, women of color be financially empowered, I see where that all comes from now. So what advice would you give women of color around the importance of financial education?
Leah: Oh, it's so important because. It's something that it's across all income levels in class. I've had clients who are, through working through nonprofits and it's their community based organization and they're low income receiving financial coaching services. I've had executives that I've coached and they have the same amount of.
knowledge on personal money management as the low income [00:31:00] clients that I've worked with. So it is super important on having that education. I became a financial advisor because I thought I was going to get all the education and I did on some level, but what I missed and I didn't know that I needed. was to understand my behaviors around money. We could know all the things, right? We can know over time, we can learn and know about, how to save money, how to do it, how to invest starting businesses, right? We can learn it. But the most key part is to educate ourselves about how we are experiencing and how we are behaving with money and our relationship with it. And and our relationship with ourselves, like that is the That's the best piece of advice I could give on that type of education because that's the foundation. All the other things will come, right? And it'll come even faster.
When we can come from a place of educating ourselves about, why we are doing, making certain decisions or why we're not making certain decisions. And then just learning about all these different types of [00:32:00] tools and resources, educating ourselves because then when we have the knowledge and we have the money backing the knowledge and we have access and having access to these things as what will elevate our experiences for ourselves and our families and our communities and the knowledge is power.
And there's studies show that black women are the, most highest. educated in the US, right? So there's a lot of education in academia, right? But still a lot of the black women that I coached, they don't have a lot of education on managing their money and personal finances. And so that is something that I just think the more that we can focus on that, just, across the board, any woman of color, any race or ethnicity the more that we can educate ourselves on money, the academia is going to be there. We'll just be an unstoppable force.
Barb: It's so important. And what's cool is there's a lot at our fingertips these days. You can go to YouTube, you can go to purse strings, you can go to lots of different places and find a lot of information. A lot of [00:33:00] women we've talked to, they've often said, I didn't know anything about money.
They found themselves in a circumstance, and they'd always say after work, I'd go to the library. And I'd pull out those books and I'd start reading. I can't tell you how many times women have said this to us, and I thought, yeah, but now you don't even have to go to the library. You can, but you can just go right online.
There's so many resources. It's just about saying, this is for you too, like someone will say, I didn't think that was really for me because I didn't think I had enough money to even be concerned about a budget or savings and things like that. But it is, it's for all of us to really be, it's a life skill that we all need to learn and unfortunately weren't taught in school and not always having the good mentors growing up.
So we need to take it upon ourselves to really. Learn what we need to know to make those smart financial decisions for ourselves.
Leah: Yes, and I absolutely think as well, one of the biggest things, especially is that we tend to think we have to do it alone. And if there's something, I, anyone who's [00:34:00] listening, if there's something that you If you are considering that you are starting a business or maybe a career change or something, and you may not have people around you to talk to thing is to ask yourself what is available to help me. There is so much out there. Like you said, there's a library, there's nonprofits, community organizations. There's so much available across the board on everything. If you just ask that, just Google it. My county and my city. And see what comes up and I guarantee you something's going to come up where you're going to get that support.
Maggie: And there's so many people wanting to give that support too. And so I think, that's the other thing is there are people out there who want to help you. And let them take you to coffee and have that conversation. Don't feel like you're always, Oh, I don't want to take away their time.
There's a lot of people who are so willing and ready to help and to lend that hand. So we've got to take advantage of these resources and these people out there who are willing to support us.
Leah: There's that saying, close mouths don't get fed.
Barb: I like that. I like that.
Maggie: [00:35:00] As we celebrate Black History Month, how do you think the history and the struggle of black women shape the way we approach financial independence today?
Leah: Yes. That's a great question. So I think the history and the struggle, how it shapes financial independence today is to just know that we And that we can do hard things like there's like you mentioned the word tenacity that have tenacity, right? Just, we always find a way and it's just a matter of looking at the starting point for where we are. As women and black women, where we are today, what we have available to us and how far we've come. And now we have more access, right? So being a, it's completely shaped our ability to have financial independence the history of black women and to be able to be more independent, more and more.
And it's so interesting. That is one of the number one things that women who come to me for coaching say. I want financial freedom. Now that may be different for every person on what that means, but I [00:36:00] guarantee you it's pretty much, I want financial freedom or it's, I want to be able to do what I want to do when I want to do it.
Those are for the entrepreneurs.
Barb: Yeah.
Leah: I've heard that so many times, right? It I think the history of black women definitely has played a big role in being able to be financially independent. And that we have the ability to do some amazing things when we come together. And when we're open and when we can have these conversations about money because that's something that tends to be starting to change more and more, I think for women having these kinds of conversations, but the more we talk about it and just. Say, Hey, this is what I'm experiencing right now. And it removes a lot of shame, that vulnerability. And then we can truly be experiencing some freedom in our lives.
Barb: Wonderful. And the question that we ask everyone at the end of our session is this, what is your own definition of financial freedom, Leah?
Leah: I love that question for me. My own definition of financial freedom is just being able to be grateful for what I have [00:37:00] today. And also knowing that I am consistently working on my habits and behaviors. so that I'm aligned with my desired outcome. So I desire to have peace in my life. And that means that, I'm consistent and I'm diligent when it comes to managing my money.
I have the practices set up and I don't ignore things like I used to. When I used to ignore things, I was not experiencing peace.
So freedom for me is consistently doing my habits and behaviors, being clear on what. My desire to outcome is in life and having that joy along the way it does because I can't be taken from me.
I'm a business owner, there's ups and downs of business and I can't control the market. I can't control, how many clients I'm going to get this month or next month. And because I have this foundation and way of being, no matter what happens, I can always feel financially free.
Maggie: That's some good stuff right there. All these answers are always so amazing, and I'd love to just know, what all the other women in your office say when you, when they [00:38:00] describe financial freedom, because it's always so fun how it's different, and it means different or feels different to different people.
Bye. Leah, I appreciate you coming on and sharing the story, being vulnerable with our community, but also giving them this great inspiration, some great tips to take action and really, learn how to make the most of their money. As we know, that really can lead to independence and to that freedom. So I, I think this episode was great. I loved it.
Barb: Yeah, I agree. Yeah, thank you, Leah. Thank you everyone for listening. We appreciate everyone taking their time to listen to women and money, the shit we don't talk about. Share it with your friends, your BFFs, all women, so that we can all learn to be financially fearless.
Maggie: Awesome. Thank you.
